my worries and self reflections

All the 5 viva's are done and now the theories are remaining. These 2 years i've been hearing lots of negative comments after comments even though there are only some few instances where the professor was kind enough to say that i had the potential but its my attitude problem that's hindering me from doing well.
Infact today i got to hear that comment which in some way was comforting but at the same time know that i have a bad impression on the teachers. The last time i remembered was when i was presenting a case study and the professor said that it was good.

One thing that got me stuck when my supervisor asked me as to why the good reflections that i've written on the files aren't visible in the classroom activities. I had wanted to say lotsa stuffs but all i could manage to say was that i lacked initiative which might probably be the main reason.

I was really disturbed mentally with the whole viva and the practicals that we did. First of all i couldn't in any way find any group that i really wanna belong to nor be welcomed. Secondly, i had cried in one of the practical as i was made the scapegoat and made to feel that i wasn't contributing to the work team at all. It was really embarassing for me. I'm quite mad at the fact that i let my emotions get the better of me. M such a cry baby. Well no need to cry over spilt milk now......

The past months i was so depressed, regretting every acts, that i had wished i would vanish into thin air or that the earth would swallow me up. Nothing could bring me back some hope that everything would be fine though i've found solace in reading the bible verses. I need to constantly read up otherwise i tend to cocoon myself again with depressing thoughts.

My journey i guess starts from here where the outside world is really harsh and one needs to wake up to the realities, not to brood over something that cannot be redone. There will be many complexities in this life and one has to defeat it and not to let it defeat you (which is easy to say than really do it). My talk with one of the prof. after the viva was really therapeutic in that, he says "There's nothing you can do about your past mistakes but what's left of you and how you make use of it will determine who you'll become."